Happy then Lost

My mind id refreshed it well and clean..traces of darkness still lurk but i'm able to banish them away for now..tomorow is DA day hopefully..i need inspiration..motivation and support..
I have the first two naturally,an unique ability to inspire and motivate myself anytime i want..its truly not hard. But for that, i need support, and sadly to say, i have none at the moment. i live a dull life at home, cuz nobody's willing to listen much or comment. I feel i truly come to life at dance..only at night..the me during the rest of the day is a humourless, walking zombie..
lifeless.

Another way i found to preoocupy my time is reading..don't underestimate the power of books. They can motivate..lie..create new things..teach..and bring you to a new world. The reason i read is because to expand my imagination..since young already this love for reading has been implanted in me and i wanted to be a writer. All my unfinished short stories have been misplaced..but i still remember each and every storyline. The characters are stcuk in my head, because they arll are a part of me. Somehow, they represent me, each of them i wrote based on a unique aspect trait that i possess.

I still write, but i find it difficult these days. Maybe its because im unable to express myself more than usual..when i was younger there were no limits...but now..

How I Feel

I dont give a fuck if you people think how messed up i am..i have my own life and it is way more meaningful and valuable than yours..i actually have SOMETHINGS going in my life unlike you people and your low life pathetic so-called 'friends', they may be now but they'll fade away soon.. trust me, i know. You guys have so much fun together but that is in your own,small world, you dont have a taste of the real and painful world outside there but when you do, you'll suffer for sure. All of you will struggle endlessly desperately trying to find something to cling on to..but theres no one there..cuz they're also busy with themselves,their own problems now...

You guys use each other and call them 'friends' because you want your own security from them.. because besides them you have nothing else..no one..it may seem fun, hanging out at Mc'd in the wee hours of the morning, sleeping over, spending the entire day at Sunway mooning over designer bags..

but its all an illusion.

The only real connection you guys had with each other was these fun, materialistic worldy things. You may describe yourself as fun, sociable, caring, and open, but ive yet to see it from you. How you treat people like they're below you just cuz they're sidelined..pushed aside and ignored..do you know why i dont bother with you people? why i act like you guys are just a waste of my time?

Because you ARE. I have better friends, better people to mingle around with, and better ways to spend my time. I know what you are. I know what you will turn out to be in the future. and the future is definitely not a place that i would want it with you.
If i could say this in your face now, i would.
THIS IS NOT MY FAULT.
I tried to talk to you. I did. I gave up my own pride and PRETENDED to act happy, pretended to be interested in all the things you were bragging about...but it was nothing.

i hate it. I hate seeing you making a big drama out of everyday things and tagging each other on facebook.. i cant stand it. i DONT WANT to mix you guys, ive tried it once before and nothing turned out well. All ive accomplished so far is this worthless mix, i believe that being with you isnt going to get me anywhere in life. You and i come from different worlds.
Again, i tried. dont say this is my fault.

I dread seeing you again.

Awed and Inspired

Yes, today was an inspiring day. I realized i still have so much to learn..and that i shouldnt go around with my head so held up in the air that i dont notice where im going and fall down...bt instead..those less experienced, as long as they watch their step, theycan definitely avoid the trap and go ahead further than me...

Dance is something so beautiful, yes an art. Its true that i dont understand much about it, but from just watching, something works deep down in me and i strive to do better.
Why do i dance? its a mystery even to me, though i try to have an answer if people do question me. bt my time has not come. not yet.

Just few hours ago, i read this person's blog and it just spoke to me, louder and clearer than it was a year ago. i understand his target and path better now. i not only read one, not two,but SEVERAL, and thats what made me realize that there are still many journeys in dance.
Of course i want to reach there. they look like normal people, bt actually they'veall gone through a processwhere they had to fight for it and left a hole..not a hole but a bruise..a scratch in pride.. but ever determined to move forward.

Nowadays we have it so easy. Ill agree with this for sure. Dance studios are everywhere, ipoh, subang, seremban, sunway, EVERYWHERE. Its so easy to just sign up for a class and start attending just because the moves look cool and you can imagine yourself dancing in the club like that and strutting your moves. But when they start, they have no idea of what they really need to learn before going into the deep...and thats when they start to question themselves...
me, i joined because i was interested. i dont remeber much, honestly, but i didnt understand the concept and it felt like i was going BECAUSE I HAD TOO..my mom paid for it and it was an healthy activity...
i was just following,not reaizing, dancing blindly...not understand it.yo have to understand dance and the music.

sometimes in class, i still feel its hard to follow, and their are times where i believe that ive lost my feel. its kinda fru8strating sometimes cuz what i do is not enough..i hardly freestyle at home cuz mostly im just practicing the moves..not applying it to my dance.
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now i am still searching, because admittedly it is not easy dancing and attending college at the same time...theres assignments to think of, training to attend, and full scale devotion. i dont want to giveit up, but then from the lack of time and overload of assignments im getting, sometimes you just have to make a sacrifice. i learnt that from a friend whos going through the samething too...she dosent want to quit but then its harder if you go during a time when you have no time..because i dont want to end up hating something ive already come so far in and just give it all away...
Ive saved all those pages of the blogs i read..haha i know it seems foolish bt the right thing... now, its back to reality.

I have human comm class in two minutes..dunno what is she going to teach but best not to miss it.. i have final exams soon and i still wanna go dance..still wanna continue..i pray to God that he will show me the right way..the rightppl and in UG..i will always know whats best for me....



ITS TIME.