dance comp emotions

I HAVE TO STOP DOUBTING MYSELF.
as you might not know, me and my frens are taking part in a dance competition called lights on dance showdown organized my college, INTI.
er honestly i think our routine is lacking in a lot of stuff, and i dont know what to think. some people say its nice. some say we lack of energy. others say the moves are cool. i really dont know what to think but my brain is overflowing with all kinds of thoughts and daydreams, if we make it through the audition or if we screw up and forget moves or if we arrive late and find that the entire event has been canceled.

okay, im hyperventilating, but i know where we stand. i know that we arent balanced. and honestly, the choreo dosent fit in with the song much, but its kinda too late to change it. no synchronization,balance. and all of them have yet to pay me the register fees.
=) lovely people.
i have no idea how many other crews are joining, and the thought of it makes my stomach churn. damn im even finding it hard to blog about this at the moment.

so here's the truth. everyone is like coming up to me and saying, oh you're joining this dance comp!! you must be good!! good luck for the auditions!!!
and its leaves me feeling confused and slightly guilty cuz their like encouraging me, while all i can do is complain and worry over how we'll do.it'd be better if ppl didnt know about this at all, and i dont have to worry about their expectations and feel false hope.
and its not fair to me cuz, i dont feel good enough yet. and there are dozen better, experienced crews out there that can do alot hell better, so what was i thinking??!!

well i was actually thinking, i dont think ill even get in through the audition, but i'd hate it if i just let an oppurtunity like this pass wasted by. so i did the rash thing. went to urban groove and started asking people around. well, ithought it was going to be okay. and for a while, it did.

but then i realized our routine didnt have enough hiphop in it. i wanted to change the entire thing, but the others refused. cant blame them, with the time limit, but i hate to practice something that isnt perfect. and most of the time, the others arent serious and are just playing around. i dont know what it is with them, if i dont call them and ask to come for practice and start warmming up, trust me, they'll never get started.
i dont mind a little humour and jokes during but too much ticks me off. i want it to be perfect. and the most annoying and dissapointing thing is, it isnt. if our routine is going to be so messy and lifeless, i feel it would be better if i didnt join at all in the first place. i dont want to kick anybody out. but then if you felt that one person was dragging all the others down, what would you do?
how can i help someone if that someone doesnt want to help herself?
jeez, i really need to write this all out. to those that think im over expressive or dramatic, whatever. i do this to keep me sane.
GOD I JUST PRAY TO YOU, PLEASE PLEASE WHATEVER HAPPENS LET ME DO MY BEST.
ihope all of us will give everything they've got and take practice seriously. i wnt us to be perfect. i dont care whther we get in the audition or not. i just want us to do and look our best.

truly, this is from my heart. right now it is what i really want.

FROM THE HEART

from the heart,
not to a person but to self.
entering the wilted shadows,
an empty heart.
burnt willpower,
less than strong i was before.
how long may i long
waiting for night to come?
early beginnings
late endings
i wish i was second.
dance my soul out,
still not enough for me to rip out all
black and white
frowns and crosses.

if the stories were real,
i wouldnt need to listen to you.
i'd find my own solace.
id find myself..,
this energy, inspiration
more would come.
hopefully,
one last time,
you'd let me enjoy this world by myself.