DARK MEMORIES

In Form 3, My diary is mostly touched on the disgusting topic of idiosome BOYS-not all are, but the ones i knew during my pubertyhood definitely were. Whilst flipping through the wrinkled pages, i shuddered at my own mushi-ness and it was all i could do not to throw the entire piece of crap out of the window.
But the undeniable enjoyment i felt whilst stalking these better unnamed boys is what that forced me to let it stay. Jeeez.

After all, memories are memories, better cherished than thrown away and forgotten. Like they say, treasure those happy memories, but throw away the ones that are harmful and painful.

Are these memories HAPPY???!!?

As far as i can remember, they they consisted of hysterical laughter and nonstop mischeif, sometimes including embarassment and - depression.
As i delve deeper, that naive happiness turns intosomething darker, making me into the evil thing i am today.
A crush firstly develops from complete strangers to facebook friends, and once you've gotten the courage to talk to him, you slowly upgrade your level to good friends. After that you either have to 'continue with it', or 'stop it'.
For those reading, not only am i talking about one, but all that has permanently affected and destroyed my not-so-pleasent life.

Yes, ALL.

Right now, my mind flasbacks to the time when me and my crush first had lone time together. I remeber it all with ashtonishly accurate detail- my tensed muscles, anticipation, him getting stiffly in the car, nervously aviding my eyes, and how far apart we were seated.
Once or twice i glanced out of the window, wishing that the moon was brighter and that there were more stars.

I remeber all this shit.

Until now i cannot flashbck to this memory without a faint crease between my eyebrows. Over time, wounds heal. But the scars stay there.
We chatted about some stuff at church, school-things so boring and drabby i feel is barely worth mentioning in this blog. I did most of the talking, as he seemed rather withdrawn that day. I remember racking my brains for some funny bone-tickle joke or an interesting topic he'd want to participate in. I also remember comngup with nothing at all.

After some time he picked up his phone and started calling someone i knew. It started with affectionate greetings and harmless insults, but after that i could feel he was trying to talk about something deeper. Something meaningful.
I guess he'd finally decided to tell me he didnt like me- the night had been long enough. He didnt say it directly, but sent it in a hinted message (the way all cowards do.)
Well yeah, i got it, but the reality of the message didnt seem to sink in then. The rest of our ride passed in awkwardness and tense silence.

After he got off, i could tell from the tilt of his head that he was going to look back. I didnt want him to see me, so i slid out of my seat and out of his view. When we were far enough from his house, i resumed my seat and struggled to piece back my heart somewhat.
Well i failed miserably and couldnt help but let those damn tears fall.
The Me i know now would have never lost control of her emotions like that in such a bland situation. I swear now that it'll never happen again.
It was just a goddamn freaking phone call. Why did i have to get so emotionally troubled over it for?

Me, at that not-so-young age did not know what 'couple' meant in a relationship dictionary- i only knew it in sentences like 'a couple of times' or 'a couple of tweezers.'
Of course, i also know that some youngsters are already searching for their soulmates even before high school.

SERIOUSLY, THAT FAST????!!

Even my fat and ugleh sister has already coupled five or six times or so i think. Plus the new one she has, thats already seven, and i dont even know his name. I know there's a lot of good things about boyfriends. They are sweet, charming, entertaining and produce roses for you out of thin air.
But what if they're not? Coupling at 12 years old is a little too young, do you not think? Boys have still a long way to mature, and some girls, seriously stupid and unable to think straight, lavish all their love and energy on that one boy, leaving little for their friends and family members.
It would be a violation of privacy to name my sister's exes, but im gonna do it anyway. Take this Teck goon for example. He smoked, his grades were downslide and he wasnt famous in school for his goody-goody reputation. Yet why'd she couple with him for?

Like i said, plain stupidity.

Most people i know go i an complete silence mode once they've had boyfriends.
Why is that? Daydreaming too much? Worrying about your lovely love problems? Or is he so the center of your life now that your couldnt be bothered with anything, or anyone else?

That was how things went for a while. Several times i fumed, 'If she's not going to get over her bitchiness and this idiot, im disowning her.' He even wasted her phone credit.
Everytime she announces, 'We've broken up,' i jump for joy, only to be shaterred in the next few days after finding out there's a replacement.
This time, he proposed to her on Valentine's day, so im betting they'll be gone on the next V.Day.
As an older sister, i must press that im not being judgemental and cruel, just helping you avoid all the emotinal tremors and rollar coasters i went through when i was your age.

CONCENTRATE ON STUDIES, PPL!!