Upward vs Downward Counterfactual thinking

Name: Tan tee may                 Student ID: 0323549

Counterfactual thinking is the action of comparing a current or past event to an alternative event. There are two types of counterfactuals, upward and downward. Upward counterfactual thinking compares us with people that are superior. On the other hand, downward counterfactual thinking compares us to individuals that are inferior. Both counterfactuals have its benefits and disadvantages but I personally believe that upward counterfactual thinking is more damaging to an individual’s mental health.

Downward counterfactuals improve an individual’s mood and ego, because he feels more fortunate in comparison. Upward counterfactuals do not provide such comfort, but the individuals receive knowledge and motivation to work harder in order to enhance their performance in the future. On a more negative note, these counterfactuals may also provoke regret and increase negative feelings one may have towards themselves. This negativity may decrease the individual’s self-esteem and confidence. Subsequently, they will start to look at everything pessimistically, even leading themselves to believe that their past achievements were not good enough. This perception is very damaging to their mental health and can result in self-harming or severe depression.

When one practices too much upward counterfactual thinking, the individual may become lethargic, unmotivated for future action. Although this is a mental way to protect oneself from regret, the inaction could result in many consequential missed opportunities, creating a cycle of ‘doing nothing.’ (Tykocinski and Pittman, 1998). Often this situation occurs only when the individual practices too much downward counterfactual, causing the individual to be comfortable with his surroundings and not making the effort to improve himself. As aforementioned, this conditioning can also result from too much upward comparison. However, upward comparison has a significantly more damaging outcome, as the individual believes that he is a failure.

Generally, we feel bad when we fail to live up to our goals. Comparing our failures to other’s achievements further increases feelings of inadequacy compared to the person we practice our upward counterfactuals on. Therefore, the conclusion is that I believe upward counterfactual thinking is more harmful to our self-concept.

 REFERENCES:

    Mandel, D. a. (2007). The Psychology of Counterfactual thinking.

Miller, M. a. (2006). Depression, Control, and Counterfactual thinking. Social and Clinical Psychology , 227.

   

Flipped Movie Review

Here is the ultimate love story for every girl that has been crushed by her crush. Of course, the same goes for the male gender in general too, but there is a reason why the book-turned-movie chooses to highlight the boy as the antagonist.

Just kidding.

Bryce Lowski has just moved into the neighbourhood and is unexpectedly greeted by his excited neighbour Juli Baker. She explains about how her heart 'flipped' when she first saw him and dreamily declares that  she has found her true love. She also believes that Bryce harbors some feelings for her, but is shy and embarrassed to show it. And so, therefore, from that moment, begins Juli Baker's quest to catch her first kiss with Bryce.

Six years later, her feelings are still the same, apart from having toned down her obvious signs of affection. Bryce does all he can to elude her and shift her attention elsewhere. 

A very sweet and heartwarming movie. It didn't leave me crying in the end, but still ignited a feeling of nostalgia i thought I'd lost. Flipped managed to make me remember all over again. It will bring back feelings of reminiscence as you flashback to your first love and how was it like the first time.

The Probability of Miracles Review

So today i read The Probability of Miracles, and i think it was an amazing book. I love Cam's cynic, sarcastic humour, and her never-failing love that she constantly grounds her family members with. 

Just like TFIOS, this book starts out with the main protagonist having cancer and resigned herself to the thought that she'll be gone in a few more months, if not weeks. the difference is that Cam manages to find a small, tiny portion of miracle for herself whilst TFIOS remains a tragedy through and through. I'm not saying The Probability of Miracles sucked because it went down the line of fantasy, but it differs from TFIOS because oit offers hope and inspiration to a character that has walked down the hard path for too long. Having lived a life restricted by physical exertion, i understand the appeal Maine held for her, yet i also knew how sick and tired she was for having forced to undergo these constant check-ups and medical examinations. As if she was getting any better. Life should just be kind and let her die easily without getting her hopes up anymore, which was sure to result in a lot of future pain for her mother and sister.

This book strips the story of all biased thoughts on whether the guy is handsome or the girl skinny enough because true love doesn't judge. Its one of the things i love most actually. Cam doesn't go through one of those insecure periods where she judges herself and asks, Why me?' Instead she accepts Asher's love wholeheartedly and gives all of hers in return. They don't question each other, they just jump straight into the beauty of having found true and solid love.

It does insert a little realism from time to time. Cam was actually overweight before she was the victim of a terminal disease, before it led her to meeting Asher and having the greatest summer of her short life. A short life well lived regardless, if you ask me.

So she meets Asher, gorgeous hunk and star football player, and he falls sweetly for her. Cam tries to brush him away several times, equivalent to Hazel's attempts to keep everyone safe from her that she may not be a grenade, but he still persists in his feelings. Even in the most romantic of moments, there's a catch that reminds Cam of her place, how caught and trapped she is. One incredibly touching moment is when she receives news of Lily's death, making her situation hellishly real again. What's worse is that she didn't even get to say goodbye to Lily. Yes, there were letters sent, promises kept, but Cam didn't do her part on farewells. It was Lily that sent the final letter. If it was me in her situation, the grief would be painfully etched into my heart, forever reminding of the mistake i cannot undo.

Cam is too caught up in her cancer to actually enjoy the present moment around her, until Asher comes up and shows her how to live. Before that she was angry and bitter at the world, unleashing her dissatisfaction at her mother and sister, a torrent of words none could comprehend. Boy, was she hard to live with.

But while i understand her rage, i feel that she has less reason to be angry because, number one- she had the privilege of living near Disney and earning free trips. Number two, she had a kind and understanding mother who never blew her off despite her tart rudeness. Number three, she had Asher, and he changed her life far more than any girl can ever hope to dream. And number four, she actually completed her bucket list. 

Yes, her life was dominated by cancer, but the blessings around her were compensation enough to let her live a full life. I'm glad she made peace with Asher in the end, but i still feel she was undeserving of a friend like Lily. Lily was desperate for love, yes, but her days were ending and striking one down with the cruel terms of reality is no different than taking someone's legs away and forcing them to walk. In the end, Cam found true love and Lily did not. It was a blow to her face, to show her what a rotten friend she'd been. She even admitted that, in reality, it was better to be kind than right, and regretted that she could not have done so with her best friend.

Overall, it is an amazing book. It gave me hope and a romantic affliction for fantasy. Whilst i may not be afflicted with cancer, nor impulsively have a chance to dive in the promised town of miracles, i do have the ability to create myself a future.

I also loved the fact that this book described the summer activites and happiness that Cam had in Maine while not being too cheesy and cliched as a Nicholas Sparks novel. Sorry to all his fans out there. 

Asher is perfect is terms of his physique, but what makes us fangirls love him is his strong and honest love towards Cam. If he was metaphorical in a sense like Augustus Waters, TFIOS fans would've sensed an immediate rip-off, thus making him less lovable. So the author changed him to share a similar taste which Cam had in movies, and im glad she did. And did i mention i ADORE the cover? Its absolutely amazing. Fits in perfectly with my other John Green purchases, the colors and design overlapping each other like vibrant colors of the rainbow. 

Definitely recommended. JOHN GREEN FANS ESPECIALLY SHOULD NOT MISS THIS.

The Spectacular Now Movie Review

I lost count.
I love this movie.
 Do i have to say it again? I. Love. It.
The thing about The Spectacular Now is that it tells a story. It tells the life story of a boy that can't seem to understand why people bother so much preparing for the future when they can choose to be happy right now. After he's blown off by his ex-girlfriend, he meets a typical girl-next-door Aimee Finicky, who seems so normal that he finally takes a step back from his hard-partying life to spend some time with her. He befriends her with the intention of 'helping her out' which mainly means introducing her to sexual education, because she's never had a boyfriend. Instead he finds himself falling for her with her unselfish ways and simple speech and it doesn't take long before the two are a couple.
And the damn screen cuts to black.
This is one of my favorite scenes because both characters are being so unselfish and show it in their own way. After seeing his father act so recklessly, Sutter doesn't want to hurt Aimee the same way and so he tries to prevent it by pushing her away. Of course, he's only hurting her. He does it because he believes he is a replica of his father. Everything he does, the drinking, partying, pick-up lines, charming conversations, reminds him of his father. Because he initially 'picked' Aimee up with the intention of 'educating' her, he believes he doesn't deserve her now that he's sincere.
Right after that, its graduation. I just love the way this movie positions its scenes, you know, they can spend a whole week showing you the growth of Sutter's and Aimee's relationship and jump into prom right after that. And after prom its graduation, but it doesn't feel hurried because you've already spent enough time with the characters earlier on. We've gotten used to their presence, and the filmmakers realize that, so they fast forward time to a few months forward without the need to place a caption on screen. It's understood. And it doesn't feel out of place.
Amazing movie.

How many times has this movie made me cry?
How many times has it made me question about my life, my future, my self?
How many times has it made me realize I had those answers all along?


 I can't believe I put off watching it this long. It's not everyday that a movie touches me the same way Les Mis did, make me recall my high school days the way Perks did, and think about my first love the way Flipped did.
It leads you on a path taken before, nights after prom, breakups, recent hookups, the thrill of romance, family hardships, and basically everything life is when you're in high school. Certain scenes you relate so much it hurts; you can't help but feel this movie is a passionate retelling of your life and what you did or wish you did before. It encourages you to live in the 'moment', as Sutter often puts it, 'I choose to live in the Now, because its happening.'

I know this part sounds hopelessly common to you, but the film manages to pace it so well that the story unfolds in its own way, has time to develop, and by the end of the movie you feel like you know Sutter as an old friend. Even the sex scene doesn't feel rushed, it isn't slapped in your face with the thrill of bedroom drapes and seductive women pouting their heavily made-up faces at you. And suddenly he plugs her and its over, back to ordinary school life, and you just have to accept the fact that it happened normally just as it wouldn't in real life.
Anyway, back to the story. The two get close, and while Sutter's friend Ricky questions his sudden change of taste in women, Sutter insists that there's more to Aimee. Besides, the worst-case scenario is that he gives her boyfriend experience and walks away unscathed. How bad can that be?
After several tutoring sessions together, Sutter asks Aimee out on a date where he spontaneously tells her she's beautiful and despite her weak protests, kisses her. This leads to him asking her out for prom, taking her to home-dinner dates, and ultimately, bringing her to visit his estranged father. The visit slaps Sutter in the face that his father isn't the man he thought him to be, and understands why his mother kept him a forbidden topic. He takes it out on Aimee the way home, claiming she doesn't really love him and that she's only declaring so because she's drunk. A car swerves dangerously close and Sutter barely manages to avoid it. Aimee unbuckles her seat belt and quickly checks him for injuries, asking if he's okay. Sutter's furious because he almost killed her and instead of being mad, she's doing the exact opposite. He screams that she needs to get away from him, that he's a bad influence, whilst she tearfully apologizes and tries to calm him down. He yells at her to get out from his car which she does, sobbing and crying and looking so painfully helpless, before a car drives past and tears her down.


Aimee on the other hand is so blinded and full of love for Sutter that she doesn't understand what he's doing. But even worse is that she's not mad at him for it, no matter the reason. The fact that he exists and is beside her is enough, because he's all that matters to her. She's so selfless that when he shows up at her house to say sorry, she doesn't even want to hear it. She shushes him and says, 'Lets pretend like it never happened.'
Then, looking into his remorseful brown eyes, she says, 'I know. Don't say it. It's okay.'

It's a relief to be given some normal daily happenings of an American teenager instead of the usual tragic background story and overdramatized script. I especially loved the conversation scene between Sutter and Aimee where he asks her, 'So whats your thing?' and she replies, 'I don't know. I like to think there's more than just one thing to a person.'
The degree of awkwardness in this movie is just about right, the intimacy brought to a personal level and the makeup completely washed away. You can see Sutter's scars, Aimee's freckles, and they aren't glossed up in hip clothing and celebrating within the trendy crowd. The emotional depth is wider on a personal connection when all artificial trickery is stripped away and left with imperfections that remind us of our own life. All of which has been lost in the glam of Hollywood moviemaking. But the best part of this movie is that it has a happy ending. When Aimee leaves for Philadelphia, she waits for Sutter to come see her off, even holding back the bus to do so. But he doesn't come, doesn't answer her calls. When we see him drinking in the bar and asking a stranger if he did the right thing, we assume he's done a silent breakup. But wait!
We're shown Sutter staring at his college application once again, going over about his hardships, dealing with them, and realizing that while its fine to live in the spectacular now, there's always going to be another one tomorrow. He ends with a note to start making them count, and just as you think that's the end of it, a new scene opens with him walking up the stairs of a building just as Aimee walks out. She sees him, and a smile plays over her face just as the screen goes black again, but I think we can all guess what happens next.

Kick-Ass 2 Movie Review

SYNOPSIS

The sequel to Kick-Ass, Kick Ass 2, is finally out and in it, our few protagonist heroes continue their quest to eliminate all evil and make a name for themselves upholding justice. The story opens with Dave narrating about how pointless and boring he finds life, now that his kicking ass days are over. One day in a burst of impulse, he asks Mindy to take him under his wing for some bad-ass kicking. Mindy agrees, delightedly, as she's already skipping school everyday to jump in her Hit Girl outfit and wants some companionship. So the training begins. Dave getting shot, beat up to a bleeding pulp by some gangsters and sporting black and blue bruises everyday are just some of Hit Girl's training regime. Dave doesn't mind, as he describes as 'it makes him feel alive and that his life has a purpose.'

However, it all ends one day when Marcus, Mindy's caretaker, finally puts his foot down when he discovers what Mindy has really been doing skipping school all along. He forces her to promise never to wear the suit again, wanting her to lead life as a normal teenage girl. Mindy protests, but ultimately the guilt eats at her and she tells Dave that she never wants to see him again. Dave dons the outfit again one night and meets a bunch of other 'superheroes' in mask and suit led by Colonel. They perform random acts of kindness on the streets at night and bust a few crimes now and then.

Meanwhile, Chris (the rather childish, immature-aspiring-to-be-villian) has just killed his mother (unintentionally) and is trying to fill his father's shoes. He harbours a angry grudge towards Kick-Ass for blasting his father with a bazooka and wants nothing more than plain old revenge. With this, he dons a new mask and calls himself the 'Motherfucker.' With both parents gone, he tasks his driver, Javier with the task of finding him other supervillians that will follow him and his cause. He manages to find four willing as the majority of the hitters are told by his Uncle Ralph to lay low for the moment. The four are named Genghis Carnage, Black Death, Mother Russia and The Tumor. 

His Uncle Ralph demands to see him and Chris pays him a visit in jail. He tells Chris to lay low for a while because he is not his dad. He's working on bringing the family back up, but needs Chris' cooperation. When he sees Chris reluctance to cooperate, he has one of his henchman kill Javier. Chris if horrified but he hides it and smiles instead, telling his uncle that he needed that and knows exactly what to do next.

He and his team of supervillians break into Colonel's hideout and kill him. There is no last minute saving, no miracle of some sort that the Colonel survives. It is fast and brutal, as real life usually is. Then they head over to another superhero's house- Nightbitch. This time, they don't kill her, just beat her up pretty badly. 

Things go further downhill when the police announces their arresting anyone on spot who's seen wearing a costume. Dave's dad takes the blame and gets arrested o save his son. He's later killed by some thugs in jail, hired by the Motherfucker. Dave receives a picture of his dad beaten and bloody on his cellphone.

During his father's funeral, Dave is beaten and kidnapped by the Genghis Carnage but ultimately saved by Hit Girl, who decides she wants to be back in action. The duo head to the Motherfucker's lair while bringing other superheroes to fight against Chris' army. Hit Girl dispatches Black Death with a knife and tackles Mother Russia whilst Kick-Ass and Motherfucker engage in combat. Hit Girl seems to have some problems with Mother Russia until she's shot with adrenaline, which Mother Russia thought was poison. She finally manages to kill Mother Russia by slashing her body with shards of glass. Dave punches Chris and he falls through the roof, screaming that he'd rather die than accept Dave's help. Chris lands in a tub of water and he expresses relief to be alive, even apologizing to Dave before he's dragged underwater by a shark and blood blooms on the surface. Dave describes the feeling as 'indescribable.'

The super heroes unite and share one last moment of glory as they know its their last night. Mindy gives Dave a ride home and she tells him that she's leaving New York as she can't continue to put Marcus in a position where he'll have to arrest her one day as she's already killed six guys. Hit Girl then takes off on her motorbike, with Dave narrating in the background how he finally understands where his life is leading to.

REVIEW

Kick-Ass is divided into two worlds, good and evil. The movie manages to incorporate the 'superhero' concept into real life perfectly, not forgetting the elements of social media and how even superheroes and supervillians use it to gather views and popularity alike. What makes it even more attractive is the 'realness' of real life depicted. Heroes die, people give up, there are consequences to everything you do. Those words you said this morning may be your last. Kick-Ass 2 captures all of these elements perfectly, so perfect that i can almost see it happening in real life, in this world, itself. Kids dress themselves up in costumes. They do night patrols, know a few pretty moves, fight their way through with numbers and strength. But in the end, everything you do has consequences. And it may not be as pretty or as noble as the comic book represents.

After all, this is real life- when you die, people might remember you for a few weeks, months if you're lucky, years if you were a legend, and decades if you're godly. But what will you have done to be remembered for?

What i really like about this movie is that it shows you can't have anything by daydreaming. Dave went through beatings and blood and sweat and he nearly died to become a superhero. But his actions inspired a movement, a positive energy for people to turn to. People began to realize that you didn't need to have superpowers to be a superhero. A willing heart, strong spirit and determination is what you need to stand up for the weak. In the movie, both sides have losses- Dave lost his dad, and Chris witnessed his dad getting blown to pieces by a bazooka. The good side doesn't always win. And the bad, they have humanity, too. The audience needs to see that not everything is to be blamed on the evil side, although the majority of Chris' actions were mostly his own fault. 

Chris' character is so detestable, yet completely understandable. He's desperate to fill in his father shoes as a mafia boss and become one of those supervillian comics he admires so much. His desire of revenge on Kick-Ass is simply an excuse for him to execute something big that will prove his worth. He's acting out of childish anger, having had his parents taken away from him, and after that, Javier. He puts all fault on Kick-Ass because its much more convenient than blaming himself and believes by killing him, he'll have accomplished his revenge and earned his Uncle Ralph's approval.And thank god the director finally showed Dave getting some martial arts lessons from Mindy so at least now he knows how to fight. Pull a punch. Look less lame. 

In the end, even our superheroes have to retire- because all actions have consequences, and who knows if they can continue to tackle evil? Destroying is easier than cleaning up. But they are still superheroes. Heroes that make a difference by walking that teenager home, talking to that lost boy, and buying that homeless man a meal- one doesn't need to have powers to be a superhero.

If people need a push in the right direction to do a positive thing- or an overwhelming need to make the world a better place- this movie might just be the thing for them.

As Cool As I Am Movie Review

As cool as the title sounds, the entire movie is far from making that definition. The film centers around a sixteen year old girl, Lucy, whose father is rarely at home because of his job as a lumberjack and so lives with her socially open, sexually flaunting mother. Her parents got married at the early age of seventeen to raise Lucy when she unexpectedly bloomed in her mother's stomach. She starts having a friends with benefits relationship with her best friend, Kenny, as both of them start to question where their friendship may lead with a innocent kiss. 

The film begins innocently enough, with Lucy and Kenny literally hanging at a park upside down on the monkeybar. She offers to kiss the playground bully, Scott in return for him to not disturb Kenny anymore, which the flustered male agrees to. The two share a rather awkward peck before they break apart and Scott accuses Lucy of being a terrible kisser. In order to forget that disgusting episode, Lucy kisses Kenny to make up for it, claiming the memories are 'malleable' and liable to change. 

This is where i should have recognized the stop signs and un-stream the video right there and then. Instead i was forced to sit through two hours of distracted sex, a trifle of repeated mistakes with agonizing 'what ifs,' and the hook-and-dump boy race.
'As cool as I am' constantly changes its pace and mood, therefore confusing the viewer and making them unsure of how to respond back with the right emotions. The movie introduces a strong female lead in the beginning, so i assumed she would have a non-affinity for the sex department and focus on building emotional support for her family instead. It actually manages to pull through  with this concept for a while, until a particular scene where her father argues with Kenny's mother that his daughter may be having a sexual relationship with Kenny.
Not wanting her to end up pregnant and throwing away her life like he did, Dad emphasizes again and again how much he only wants the best for her and that means not having underage sex. Lucy even goes as far as making a promise to Kenny that they both wont ever have sex again, not until they're old enough and have their parents' consent. Just when you think this film is finally making sense, finally digging itself a successfull concept- it buries itself deeper into the hole.
In a burst of impulse Lucy climbs in Kenny's window and demand that they have sex again. Kenny asks of her promise and she gives the same flimsy excuse- that memories are malleable and prone to change.
Once again, we're thrown off the hook and are unable to find someplace to hold on to because all common sense and logic has been abandoned. Whatever happened to the firm decision before? She accuses her mother of having an affair with other men but does not realize how her actions might end her up in that situation as well. She is aware of her parents history yet does not give a second thought to which she might end up like them.
 What is even more frustrating is her substitution of boyfriends which she freely sleeps with them then ends up regretting it. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Which is stupid, because you think she might have the brains by now to think twice before getting in bed with a stranger which ultimately led to her parents situation.
Another subplot that the film fails to develop is Lucy's relationship with her father. It is hinted at the beginning that she misses her father constantly and looks forward to his visits. It is the potential growth for a bond that most teenagers would be able to relate to; the steady figure of their father that they can rely on. However, not only does he fail to give that impression, but he dissappears slowly from the picture that you begin to question if he was of any significance at all.
In fact, I'm starting to question if this film has any significance to real life at all. Its a great movie for a young girl's struggle and search in life, but fails to nail down a central point. It goes back and forth between a romantic comedy and dysfunctional family which i cant pin head or tail.
In the end, this isn't a film any viewer would walk away saying, 'I enjoyed that.' Teens with a single parent might relate, but how many percentage of teenagers do we have that their fathers work as lumberjacks and comes back four or five times a year, with a mother that sexually flaunts her feminity every chance she gets?
Not many. Yeah.

DARK OF THE MOON

Dark of the Moon
Sky's a drifting gloom
Wandering, as it searches
For it's once-groom

Fool! Her father boomed,
Look at him, a mere peasant,
Can you not see with more reason?
Forgo tradition!
The young beauty bursts,
Never in my life have I been so cursed.
This is the first,
But its for him that I thirst!

Her parent wails,
The epitome of ultimate anguish.
I am finished, she declares,
I tire of these dulling curfews!
Out of the door and a tissue she blew,
Mother nature wrestles with her swelling rage.

Rain pelts and snow hails,
Turbulent storms of an angry gale.
Her father fasts and chants,
Oh, how i pray!
Her heart's astray..
For one that is deceiving
And has tricked her pure heart into believing!

Buried in sorrow,
Blinded and hollow,
She died beneath the crescent.
As her coffin descends,
Everyone was present.

But her lover did not follow
It left her, mourning and alone,
Shattered through heart and bone.

In the blackest of nights,
One can claim to see a shadow
Of late, prowling in the meadow
And it stands under the half-formed moon,
Sheathed with a soft crooning tune,
She was known as the Dark of the Moon.

Vampirism

Her heart has endured;
It is no longer pure, but wretched.
Climaxes of the past
Are but a memory,
A distant reality.

One of the many i remember
A lone figure,
Silhouetted bright against the stark moonlight.
Ashen-white, my face wide with fright
I receive him.

A dull ache throbs my heart with yearning,
As one who has learned to love with feeling,
Has much to lose keening.
He spreads his arms,
Warm and calm,
Open and inviting.

Of the many suns I've seen
Rise and fall,
None rose by the hand of sin
Bound in thrall
In submission to the Cross.

His features twist,
And i catch a glimpse
Of the demon in hide.
Red eyed,
Snarling fangs,
He is gone, I realize with a pang.

Gray dust flutters;
Ablaze a gold ray of light shimmers,
The sun wakes.

Beneath, I grieve
Of what my man used to be.
Dead, he is free
Alive, he is slave
To the woes of the grave.

First draft

Jason was a human vessel designed to contain the likeliness of Chaos and his absolute power. Tired of being trapped in a human body where it limited his powers to do only so much, the evil lord created his own ideal body called 'Project 001.' He was complete in ability, endurance and power, but the only thing missing was his emotions. Chaos had wanted to insert them artificially, but somehow had a change of mind and sent Project 001 out to the real world to experience them for himself.

Project 001, nicknamed Jason, met Miele who was working as a spy in the high ranks of the Organisation. However, when she found out that they were the indirect cause of her parents death, she delved further and came across some unauthorized files concerning the creation of 001 and Chaos' plan to take over the world. Meeting Jason, she helped him realize that he wanted a life more than being a science project to be studied and experimented on, thus they ran away together. Of course, Miele did not realize at that time that Jason was the killing machine Chaos created to help him in his quest for world domination.

Fearing that Miele knew too much, the Organisation sent assassins after her. One of them was her cousin, Patrick, whom she thought dead. Their reunion reinforced their beliefs that the Organisation was merely a front for Chaos to manipulate the people's minds and bring them under his control. The two of them became fugitives and started fighting the Organisation independantly, running from one location to another and infiltrating their branches to gather more information.

At some point, they got caught up in battle with another group working for Chaos, and a fight ensued. They recognized Jason as Project 001, and accused Miele of using him to her own benefit. In the confusion, Jason accidentally activated his powers to save his friends, but ended up killing three men and wounding Patrick and Miele. The two of them are less trusting of his after that, especially Miele, who thinks he was working as a spy on Chaos side all along. They run away from him and stumble upon a farmhouse where a girl treats their injuries.

Back at the lab, three of the scientists whom Chaos has employed to undertake his new project- Furuta, Eyama, and Yuno, are trying desperately to track 001's current location. They finally locate him and send out a team of the most ruthless agents to bring him back. Chaos warns that none of them should fail.

~to be continued

Chaos' Origins

Chaos' real name was always a mystery. No one ever admitted to know his true name, though many believed that he was of Japanese heritage due to his dedicated practices of tea drinking and love of cherry blossoms.

Chaos' original name was Kanzo, and he was of lowly birth from a tribe that was knee-deep in poverty. However, they were highly spiritual people and avid star readers. Everyday they prayed, begging the Gods that they luck may change, forever watching the stars for a sign that their prayers were answered. Then one day, their prophet announced that the stars signified that a child would be born to them, one that would change their fortune. He would be born on the 23rd of June, from the womb of the most unluckiest woman in the tribe and possess powers that would rule others with envy. The women of the poorest families were quickly married off to young and able men in hopes that they will be the ones to produce this special child.

Unknown to them, Katrina, a young woman who was spurned from her tribe for falling in love with a outsider, a white man, heard of the prophecy and decided she was going to be the one to have the child. 

Every night she prayed and sacrificed to the Gods, promising to return their favour when her prayer was fulfilled. The Gods must have listened, because of the long awaited day of birth, none of the women in the tribe gave birth, although most of them had been pregnant for some time. 

They searched and found Katrina lying on her bed in her wooden house, some miles away from the village delivering her child with her husband by her side. The villagers were outraged. They could not accept that a woman they no longer considered part of their tribe, discriminated and spurned against, would be the one to have the child. The elders met and concluded that they would kill Katrina and her family. They could not allow the good name of the village to be blackened by this woman's doing. 

When midnight reached,  instead of celebrating, the villagers crept up to Katrina's house and set it on fire. The small family managed to escape, but the villagers caught Katrina and torched her whilst beating her with sticks and stones. Her husband fled back to his hometown where he swore to exact revenge on his in-laws for brutally killing his wife. He named the child Kanzo, to honour his Japanese heritage and in remembrance of his dead wife. 

Even as a young child, the intelligence Kanzo showed surpassed his older relatives and many were surprised. Knowing the Kanzo was born with a purpose, his father exposed him to several lessons and taught him many things. Kanzo was a quick learner and he picked up his father's lessons with not much effort. At age three, he could recite the alphabetical order backwards and front, and by age seven he had a vocabulary of 4000 words and could speak three languages. 

It was at age 12 when he first heard the voices. A soft, whispering hum in his mind, revealing the innermost secrets of deep thoughts. Unlike a normal child, Kanzo did not try to rid of the voices in his head but listened, realizing that they were the thoughts of people around him. He soon learned how deceiving people can be, how what they say can contrast to what they really think. He distanced himself from them and started studying their body language, relating their little actions with the truth and lies they told. He had little friends, but zero enemies. No one noticed the quiet boy who never spoke.

He also had a strong sense of justice. His first fight was with a boy that was 2 years older than him, twice as big and ten times stronger. The bully was forcing a younger boy to pay up what he considered 'protection money' when he had none. It had been going on for months now, but something inside Kanzo snapped when the bully stripped the younger boy of his pants and emptied his wallet, which only held a few coins. Before he knew it his fist was flying and the bully's head snapped back, unconscious. His father was called but paid the principal to keep the matter quiet, because that was when Kanzo discovered that he could hit a lot harder than he looked.

He started getting trouble in school almost every day, because he just couldn't keep quiet whenever someone younger and weaker was being picked on. He preferred to settle an argument with his fists, because they spoke a lot more than trying to negotiate. He became a man of action. 

Strange rumours started to circulate him, about the quiet boy who never spoke, yet had eyes that could kill. people believed he was associated with gangs and took drugs. Everyone avoided him completely and his father had to move before the police was called on his son for a crime he didn't commit. 

They moved to Osaka, Japan, for his father believed that bigger cities would draw less attention to them. Another reason was also because his older brother lived there. Tom was his name, and he became Kanzo's favourite uncle. Everyday he would instruct the boy in the practices of Japanese culture, religion, and beliefs. He introduced Kanzo to the part of the world his father had lost.

The Circus Show

Today, i had a dream. Not a normal dream, because it was one i will remember in a long time. It has been a while that i have had dreams with meaning and purpose, since they mostly contain elements that involve me running away from something confrontational.

We were preparing for a concert. It was a big project, complete with acrobatic performances and wax figurines that looked so real you wouldn't believe it. Goku, the main highlight of the event, was busy warming up in the back room, throwing punches and high kicks. Today was the day he was going to demonstrate his strength to everyone. His raw power, accumulated through years by the effort of blood and sweat, was going to blow everyone away and make them realize just how far he'd gone as a human being. He'd finally gain the recognition he wanted so much.
Goku was the son of a wealthy lord, one of the sponsors for this event. He had travelled with this circus for almost 15 years, doing nothing but training his stamina and studying every martial art known to man. He wanted to break the record. He wanted to surpass the boundaries that limited each human being. And today, he'd finally done it. He'd achieved what no other human ever did before- attain strength that could break through a boulder with one punch.

The curtains were lifted, music played, bright lights danced across the shiny floors and the whole stadium was suddenly filled with shouting and singing. Laughter rang through the enormous hall as one of the clowns performed a ludicrous trick. Lions and tigers and monkeys were suddenly running loose. Birds flew freely overhead and deposited their droppings on the people below. The people screamed as the whole cavern was suddenly plunged into darkness. A soft hissing sound loomed from above and they looked up to see smoke pouring from a tiny hole. The hole widened and the room was lighted again, this time with different coloured lights flashing everywhere and taking the shape of several animals. The droppings turned out to be  hardened artificial chocolate. More lights illuminated the stage and a second set of curtains opened.

A single figure stood, his bulky exterior the only thing visible in the blazing light that soon died down. people craned their heads as they tried to catch a glimpse of the marvel that was soon to unfold. What was going to happen?
A large metal claw extended over the people's heads and lowered, dropping a huge mountain of rock on the stage, which trembled and shook violently. A hush fell over the crowd, as if they knew what was going to happen.
The figure approached the rock slowly, taking his time. Now that they could see him, they saw he was only a boy, about 17 or 18 years of adolescence. His age hardly mattered. What was important was the feat he was about to perform.

The boy drew his fist back, channeled his energy into his hand and clenched his teeth. His punch landed accurately in the rock's middle. A loud crack appeared from within, spreading to the sides quickly and growing like wrinkles on an old man's forehead. The audience gasped. The boy had not doubled back in pain like they had expected him to. Instead, he was standing proud and tall as the rock thrice his size slowly crumbled to pieces.
A cheer slowly raised and Goku smiled to himself. Soon that cheer would be turning to cries of worship. They just had to witness the final act. He waited, watching as the rock split and broke in the corners. Then it simply stopped.

The people waited. Goku waited. The sound of silence was overwhelming and threatened to crush him. Beads of sweat covered his forehead and dripped on his nose. Why hadn't the rock broken like it was supposed to? Why weren't the people cheering?

He knew. His power wasn't enough. He'd failed his dream. He hadn't done enough.

The audience drew in a second gasp. On the stage, a second boy appeared, raggedly dressed, noticeably smaller and thinner than the first. He drew in his basket and threw petals to the onlookers. The flowers swiveled and burst into confetti of different colours. The people were distracted momentarily and when they looked back, the boy had changed his costume. He was now smartly dressed in a black tux and matching pants, and held a cane in his right hand.
A strange song started to play. The audience was hooked, but were captivated when the boy started to jiggle his feet to the rhythm. His feet moved at an abnormal speed and made strange tapping sounds. He then took off his hat and took out six balls, which he juggled. He never dropped a single one, though he made a great show of almost falling off-balance. The audience cheered and whooped. And all the while they were focused on his juggling and dancing, the boy tapped the rock with his feet secretly, waiting for the perfect moment.
He did a final turn and caught all six balls in his hat and swept it firmly back on his head. He then lifted his hands and bowed gracefully, as his foot tapped the giant rock for the last time. Then, just like he planned, it crumbled to fist-sized pieces as he stood up. For a moment, the audience was stunned. Then they rose and cheered and clapped loudly to the dramatic end of a splendid show. It was excellent indeed! No one had been expecting that, no one at all!

Les Miserables Movie Review

I won't call this a review because i don't think i can, so im simply writing to express and also sort out my feelings i feel after watching this it, because it's not everyday a movie can impact my emotions strongly and still leave me aching for it after a couple of days. Directed by Tom Hooper, Les Miserables is my new top-rated misery movie of the year. packed with emotional rides and intense singing, i was hooked because firstly, I admit im a sucker for movies with a theme of suffering. Revolution of a country, unfair treatment to the weak, and a government that controls the people by demeaning the poor and employing the rich, im sure you can see why i fell for it easily.
Les Miserables tells the unfortunate tale of Jean Valjean (played by Hugh Jackman) a poor peasant that was jailed for 19 years for stealing a meagre loaf of bread to help his sister's dying child. When he is finally relesed, he is ordered to report to the local authorities everyday to keep track of his whereabouts. He roams the street with a burning hatred until he meets a priest that offers him a second chance at life. His eyes opened, he vows to turn his life around and be a better person while living for God.
Few years later, he has established himself as mayor of a town and a wealthy man of a factory. Now a man of honour, people respect him and no one knows of his past. That is, until the malovent policeman Javert suddenly appears and offers him his services. Meanwhile, Fantine, a worker at his factory, is found having a daughter and ruthlessly thrown out of the factory with only a few coins to fend for herself. Desperate, she turns to selling off her hair and teeth as well as prostitution for money. Javert confesses his suspiscions that Valjean may be the escaped convict he had been searching for. Valjean denies it but soon confesses when he learns another man has been wrongfully identified as him and taking the blame for his crimes. He stumbles upon Fantine who is ailing and takes her to a hospital but is too late and holds her hand as her last seconds ticks away.
He takes upon a vow to find her daughter, Cosette, and protect her as his own. After paying 1500 francs to the innkeeper couple, he and Cosette begin their new life together. that is when Javert rushes to track him and their long game of cat and mouse begins.

After escaping to Paris, Cosette has grown up into a beautiful young lady and catches the eye of Marius, a young revolutionary student. The one thing i loved about this movie so much is the unending spirit of the people that fight for a lost cause even though they know they will lose.
It speaks about upperclassmen like Marius abandoning his status to fight for more and a passionate love that sparks through the fire of war. it bleeds sacrifice, sacrifice by none other than Valjean himself, as he takes great lengths to protect his beloved Cosette from outside threats as well as his past and elude the ever determined JaverT without killing him.

I think Hugh Jackman was exceptionally brilliant in this movie. if he was already outstanding as Wolverine, Les Miserables has brought him to a greater height of fame. His eyes burned passion as he sang, ok, i forgot the song name but the beginning goes like this- 'What have i done? Sweet Jesus, what have i done?' he admitted he felt guilt at his sins and wanted to repent. he didnt just want to repent, he wanted to start entirely from new.
You could see the veins popping out from his head and the tears in his eyes. This guy was serious. I don't know how the hell can he admit all of the tangle of emotions into a camera. I can't even admit it to myself, more so a camera. This guy deserves praise. He managed to execute perfectly a scene of repentance of a man who has carried hatred of the world inside him for too long. Then we have Anne Hathaway's scene where she sings 'I Dreamed a Dream' and i think everyone has to agree it was a tearjerker. We already felt sorry for her when she lost her beautiful hair and had her teeth painfully yanked from her mouth. When she succumbed to prostitution, the grief on her face was palpable and her pain so physical it struck a chord in my heart.
I believe that was what Hathaway wanted to deliver as Fantine, as she was being stripped of her dignity and condemned as trash. Well, she succeeded. Another Oscar nominee.

Another character that seized my already-aching heart was Enjolras, played by Aaron Tveit. Enjolras is the leader of the revolution that sparked into a war. I specially loved the part where they start singing 'Do you hear the people sing.' Underneath all their suffering is a soul yearning for justice.
Enjolras and his men start the beat first, then slowly, more and more people join in. They realize that they DO have the strength to demand for their rights, in a large group of supporters. Even Gavroche and his group of urchins joined in.
This was a moment of unity, a moment that would mark history for all eternity, an event that would stage their names as heroes that died fighting for their freedom and country.
Speaking of dying, it was a painful moment for me when the soldiers blasted bullets into Enjolras and killed him. He knew death was inevitable, but refused to beg and went out like a hero. He made me love him even more. Watching their last performance as the cast of Les Miserables on youtube, i couldn't help wanting to see more of Aaron because his part was too small, too short! he played a character that had heavy impact in the movie but not many people recognized his contribution.
Enjolras, a character that i will not forget in a long time. I don't think i'll ever be able to see Aaron Tveit playing any other character other than Enjolras. The link for their full erformance at the 2013 Oscars- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXNzCXOpJ10 My least favourite character, was of course Javert. He is a person that blindingly follows the rules and regulations of the court without truly understanding the value of morality. And in the end, when Valjean grants him the ultimate act of kindness by sparing his life not once, but twice, even if its means destruction of his own, it leaves Javert confused. This man, the criminal he has been searching for so long has forgiven him without a trace of vengeance. He begins to question his beliefs and finally concludes that his actions were wrong and he has been the criminal all along. Unable to live with the guilt, he commits suicide by throwing himself off a bridge. Weak man indeed.

I mean, he could've helped Valjean stop the revolution or something. He's the head of the police, for god's sake. How many other can under him can he influence? ? ? Sigh.

The most painful part of the movie, the most tragic, with the perfect acting and right amount of emotion presented, was the ending nearing towards Valjean's death. He was missing Cossete most terribly and Marius, getting the wrong impression that Valjean was an ex-convict, forbade Cosette from seeing too much of her father. This, to me, was unbearably cruel. Valjean is an old and aging man who wants his daughter's company till he dies, as every old man does. And imagine that the 'crime' he committed was stealing a loaf of bread! And with good intentions too.
I cannot forgive Marius for causing such pain to Valjean. Even so, in the end, he died in peace. Fantine came down to soothe his ailing soul, and-and-AND HERE'S THE BEST PART

EVERYONE'S ALIVE!!!!!

Eponine, Enjolras, Gavroche, the entire city- their waving the flags and singing happily like they've just won the war. The ending of this scene just made me want to cry. After all their suffering, fighting and pushing so hard, they've finally seen the light. Death does not mean the end of life, it merely means your suffering on Earth is over. They are now freed of the limitations that governed them on Earth, dying for a righteous cause, for people they've loved and lived for, now they are free. However anyone else chooses to interpret that scene, i believe that they are alive in the skies, perhaps residing in heaven, watching their loved ones on Earth.

I Am Number Four Book Review

Although this book came out few years ago and has been sitting on my shelf for quite some time, i have only just started reading it. Written by pittacus Lore, who also, coincidentally it seems, to be the highest ranking officer of Elders that governs this race of aliens' planet. the summary goes like this-

Nine of us came here. We look like you. We talk like you. We live among you. But we are not you. We can do things you dream of doing. We have powers you dream of having. We are stronger and faster than anything you have ever seen. We are the superheroes you worship in movies and comic books – but we are real. Our plan was to grow, and train, and become strong, and become one, and fight them. But they found us and started hunting us first. Now all of us are running. Spending our lives in shadows, in places where no one would look, blending in. We have lived among you without you knowing.

But they know.

They caught Number One in Malaysia. Number Two in England. And Number Three in Kenya. They killed them all. I am Number Four. I am next.


What i loved from this book was the opening. it gave us a fairly interesting and believable tale about the life of a teen alien fugitive, constantly on the run and lookout, but mostly wishing for a normal life. the opening offered great potential to be a sci-fi thriller, or so i thought. when he entered the first day of school in Ohio it was only too apparent what was going to happen when he locked eyes with Sarah. she was of course going to be his Juliet, whilst he runs around trying to avoid being killed and beat those nasty monsters all the time proving himself as her hero. sounds a little similiar as the Twillight story dont you think? the nasty jealous ex-boyfriend was present as well, which made it predictably boring.

There wasnt even a single mention of Mogadorians in the first fifty pages, which kinda annoyed me because i was waiting on hook for the first action packed scene to emerge. but NO, we had to be dragged through Four's daily school life which i feel is hardly worth describing in those fifty pages, because we can read it elsewhere in cheesy love novels and it is definitely not what i expected in a book with aliens. also, everything seemed to be a little too convenient.
How is it that they are aliens, yet have looks similiarly eerie to humans? there is no explanation of that, whether they might be related or ancient descendants. i cant help but think that pittacus lore borrowed some ideas from other books to write his own, as i can see the resemblance.

The idea of Four constantly moving towns in order to prevent monsters knocking reminds me of percy jackson, where he and his mother have to always move because of percy's uncanny ability to cause trouble in every school he attends. speaking of trouble, Four just got into a slight scuffle with big bully by the name of Mark James as well.
The concept of which Lorien and human mate and give birth to an exceptionally gifted human would be interesting if it wasnt already used in percy jackson as well. only in that series, gods and human offspring are known as demigods. the same names were given in I am number four as with percy jackson, which was Julius Caesar, Leonardo da Vinci, Issac Newton, Aristotle, blah blah blah. it seemed less believable reading it the second time, especially if it had been used before.

The idea of a Garde having a guardian, a Cerpe, only seems all too familiar with Buffy the vampire slayer, because when a slayer is chosen she is immedietly assigned a guardian as well, which they call Watchers. another thing is Four's compulsive obsession with Sarah. i understand puberty, but isnt it a little too far-fetched the idea of him fully admitting he isnt human, yet she accepts it without a second thought?
she doesnt question him at all but just gasps out that she loves him which just plain annoys me. i mean, sarah's a nice girl and all, i was really taken to her character when she was first introduced. but as the story progresses shes becomes a waste of space that cant function without her man, that needs him at all times. The flirting was cheesy and unbearable to read.

'' She playfully grabs my biceps. ''Right, these huge muscles. your superpowers. boy, are they lucky.''

Sure. like you arent signifying how good it is to feel them yourselves either. Ugh i just can't stand this kind of I'D LIVE AND DIE FOR YOU romance. never again.

To top it off, I Am Number Four isn't that bad at all. Just that maybe they could make up for the horrible romance by injecting a little bit more action and so on. Maybe include more details about their mysterious race and history of their planet. stuff that the audiences would want to know. Give the story a fresh twist.

Speaking of twists, i was SO not anticipating henri to die. He was, after all, a major character, and those characters dont usually die off at the first book. hands off to pittacus lore for that surprising event. For the end, the story was easy to follow, a simple, uncomplicated plot for those that love action and thriller but dont want their heads spun too much by fantasical elements.

Female Version of a Soul Reaper

'Dont look back', he told me. I looked back. A slash of silver flashed in my vision, and i was dead. A tall, slim figure stood before me. His scent ran over me and i inhaled deeply. Srawberries, mixed with roses. could it be a woman? I opened my eyes and saw who stood before me. Black swirling cloaks masked her figure and was surrounded with mist. I blinked. Who needed an entrance as dramatic as that?

My vision cleared and i saw that she was not a woman. No. A Reaper.

'You must've killed many roses to cover up that stink of yours,' i muttered. I dug into my belt and flashed my short sword, holding it defensively. She smiled.

'You cannot hurt me. You are human.'

'This can,' i snarled. 'It was dipped in the blood of a household's firstborn son and has a White Witch's blessing.'

Her smile faded. 'You knew i would come.'


Her hand reached up to touch the distorted image of the dark crow that was burned in her right shoulder. A brief scent of burning flesh reached my nostrils and i flinched as bile reached my throat. I coughed and tried desperately to rinse it down with my saliva. It tasted bitter and left an ugly aftertaste in my mouth. She laughed, a strangely angelic sound for something so dark. 'You fear me.' The tilt of her head, the smile that stretched her open lips was not what seemed so familiar, but rather the way she said it.
A jolt of shock ran through me as i said it. 'You were human before.' she smiled, though her eyes narrowed dangerously. 'Do you recognize me?' 'No, but i know you.' my brain raced, trying to place her face through the number of people i conjured up from my head.

Who was she? a schoolmate? from the Organisation? I decided to ask her straight out. 'Are you from the Organisation?' She stared at me, her eyes a dead black. 'We've met before,' she said coldly. 'But you never told me your secrets.'
An edge of bitterness crept in her voice. 'The great Hinata Misuki, master of all rogues, leader of rebels. who wouldn't know you.' She smirked and reached for her scythe.
'Today feels blessed. Claiming your soul will be the most worthiest thing i've ever done.' She drew her weapon and a mass of souls wailed, undoubtly held captive in the deadly scythe. 'Wait,' i said. 'If we've known each other before, then you must know that i can't die now. i have some urgent matters to complete before i can allow death to take me.'

She said nothing. Walking slowly towards me, dragging the death sword on the hardened ground sparks emanated and fizzled from it, leaving a line in its trace. She raised the scythe and a high, screeching sound vibrated through the air. i held tightly to my blessed weapon, praying hard nothing would go wrong.

She glared at me with eyes so dead they looked like burned coal. 'If you do not come now without protest, i will have to use force.' 'damn it!' i rolled to the side as her blade struck the ground i had occupied a moment ago. she raised her burned arm and a fiery laser burst forward towards me, wrecking the loose tiles and bricks. I dodged and dodged. Holding my only weapon in my sweaty hand, i waited for the perfect oppourtunnity to strike.

She turned towards me, her face a contorted mask of hatred and anger. She let out an inaudible scream and her dark energy pushed past me, threatening to suck my soul into the endless void. I stuck my knife into the ground and held on desperately onto it, fighting to keep my eyes open against the howling wind and raging tornado.

A face screamed at me as it whipped past. The Reaper was gliding towards me slowly, her eyes a glowing red and i could feel the scythe vibrate as it pulsed. The sound was enormous and threatened to overwhelm me. She was coming closer; armed as i was, i was helpless agasint the black tornado. A brush of a touch and i would be sucked in, condemned to eternal suffering with all the lost souls.

She was nearer now and i saw her mouth move.

'Give up,' she hissed. 'Give up and come with me peacefully.'

That's when something hit me. A Reaper would never negotiate with you, especially when their so close to winning. They are dead, heartless creatures. They suck souls because they take joy in seeing them suffer. They would never give you a chance to die peacefully. Not the Reapers that dominate Hell.

I stand up. Suddenly the wind seems less rough.

'I will not die today,' I said through gritted teeth. 'I will cheat death and bring Jason back to life!'

The Reaper laughed again.

'Planning to kill me and use my body as a disguise to bring your boy back? She smirked. 'How delusional. You either must be very stupid, or stupidly brave.'

Again, a jolt of familiarity hit me as she said it. What was it with this Reaper? Everything about her seemed so familiar, her stance, pose, the tilt of her head, the way she chose her words.
Her blade struck me in the shoulder and i staggered back. Blood seeped out, tainted with a mushy gray. Poison.
I jumped backwards as her blade made for me again. It narrowly missed my chin. I grabbed her hand and twisted it, righting myself. Her left elbow came from nowhere and rammed my nose. Blood splurted out and i blindly swung my knife. It connected with something soft and i heard a low hiss of pain. Stumbling back, i gazed through the haze of blood.
My knife was stuck on the Reaper's arm, sizzling and burning a hole through her flesh. It had to hurt, but no expression of pain crossed her face. Instead, i was shocked to see something like pride reflected in her eyes at me.
'You did it,' she whispered. 'You did it, Miele. I'm so proud.'

Life Now...

Time drags so slow, i've lost track
day by day, dawn becomes dimmer,
life's purpose loses validity

no longer bearing quality. 

Today where i stand,
i no longer feel solid ground.
it's moss and weed,
that slowly falls apart.

Tomorrow, facing endless scrutiny
i plunge these hands in the cold river
washing off all that once meant to me.

Apologies are all i have to offer
but i cannot defend anymore
not when there are no more answers to look for.


Distressed souls cry out to me,
with their pains and frustrations
yearning for aspirations
dreams that had a mean
goals unseen
A great people to be..

Futures hanging, aloft a thin veil of doubt
beyond skies, we ask ourselves
could we reach them?

Greek Stuff

Recently, i starved myself specially to buy my very few last collection of the Percy Jackson series, THE MARK OF ATHENA and THE LOST HERO. I purchased THE SON OF NEPTUNE earlier beforehand, and regarless to say, it did not dissapoint. Rick Riordan has done his research well.



Amazing, how a writer like him can insert the facts in the plot and blend it so well with his writing style. it's no secret that he's a bit um, illogical in the way he writes, i mean Percy and his friends hardly make it out of a battle alive thanks to their great sword waving or knife stabbing skills. it usually turns out that Percy calls upon his great dad Poseidon with that warcry SUBMERGE ME IN WATER, DAD! or some random God they just made an offering to that got his attention he decided to offer last minute help. (Dionysus?) every single damn time. I put most of it down to luck, mostly.

But while Riordan actively lacks in describing combat details, he sure is good in twisting a plot. I mean, Percy is distantly related to a Cyclops. Oh, wow! though it might be more dramatic if Tyson turned out to be some ruthless, uncontrollable fire-spitting monster than one that crushes his half-brother to pieces and cries when he's alone. Yeah. Then theres the whole Greek Roman hostility thing. Bringing two leaders from two different camps to work together. Why not? Sounds like a brilliant story to me.

Only thing was, when the chosen seven started their journey in THE MARK OF ATHENA aboard Leo's ship, The Argo II, i could sense that the development of the characters was missing, especially Jason. We've been with Percy our entire journey reading his quests. We know how he and Annabeth ended up together. But, Jason? not much is described about his personality in detail apart that he's a son of Jupiter. Leo and Piper stands out right from the beginning.

Leo, your typical outcasted, annoying dumb freak that never takes anything seriously with his lame jokes. Piper, daughter of a movie star. First thought that comes to mind, pampered, haughty, seductive type. But hardly.
Piper is beautiful in a way that makes people see deeper into her, appriciating the person she is inside, and not just the shell. In the book, she admits she doesn't like using her Charmspeak, which is why she only uses it when absolutely necccesarry (unlike Drew.) and of course she can't live without her beloved boyfriend Jason. Being the daughter of Aphrodite and all, love is essential to her life. They describe him as 'Jason being the star of the show'.

But i hardly read him in any action, apart from when he summons small storms here and then. which is a pity, because i did want to know more about his character in depth. Nothing is also said about his life in Camp Jupiter, which makes it hard for me to associate him with Hazel as close friends, typically because ive never seen them both in action before. You have to create that bond between your characters for your readers to understand before you throw them into something surprising.

Now that's the thing about Rick Riordan. On every page you turn, suspense and surprise is built. Ah, the things i could relate. But there's just too many. For me, if Riordan could add a little bit more seriousness into the plot, everything would be inkling perfect. and oh, give us a flashback into Jason's old life, hmm. I want a chance to like this character. xD

Rants about a Particular "Someone"

Oh no! Now, here comes that bitch again,
She never fails to drive us all insane!

Her thinking goes in opposite direction with our ways,
What we ask, she turns it away!

She yap like she's got some super Einstein brains,
Someone bloody tell her her "brains" belong in the drain!

She talks too long, and she gives incomplete info,
Yet she wonders why we understand her bitching less than a UFO!

Miss ****** dear, if I could give you a piece of my mind;
I’d tell you what was it about you that drive me crazy,
Since you keep on putting it down to us being lazy!

No disrespect to you, being a smartass “big shot” or what;
Still you need to get your head into some crash test,
Yeah, just so ya know you ain’t no better than the rest!

Still think you’re unique?
Receiving so much trouble from you;
Just you wait till my anger reaches its peak!

We all think you’re a slut!
Bet you don’t give a fuck;
Maybe you’re a genius and we are nuts?!!!

Please don’t be too full of yourself!
Amongst us we can see your true colours!
When we expose them you won’t be having anymore followers!

Oh what? You feel like ya sorta offended?
Okay then, as well you should be; dumb fuck!
You’re just a bitchy witch bringing us the shittiest of luck!

As this profanity poem concludes we stand by one thing;
Inside and out you’re a nasty piece of being!
How I wish we never had put up with you before;
But then again, we might’ve never had the chance to be this hardcore!

P.S : Read my lips; YOU’RE A FUCKING WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In collaboration with : "Drifting Dreamer.."

Betrayal aint nice..

now only do i realize how far distanced we are away from each other, should i face any more obstacles you do no more than bother to even glance in my wretched direction. but for him you'd run to the ends of the Earth of apologize over a thousand times, even if it werent yourself at fault. and you are furious at me for not supporting him before. how can i support him if he had used me like a disposable tool? and do you know you are only second in line, none of his priorities?
FOOL.
but what i hate about him the most is that he forced you to choose him over me. perhaps not forced, but influenced. twisted. corrupted your mind so that it would no longer be one of this family. then again, were you ever with us?

The bastard, i was sincere about trying to help you. Trying to help you see through her nature of disguise and do whatever it took possible for your heart to forget her. But instead you chase after her with a mind of possessed craze that i cant even save you from.
And you leave me at the said of the road trying to decide if you were just playing with me me for your amusement or maybe took me seriously for a very short while. after some debate, i confirm its the first. you weren't planning to give her up at all. all the while. why, even the secrets of her life i've told you've probably leaked them to her. honestly i couldn't give a fucking damn but i cant believe you have such blind eyes if you ever use them for seeing, that is, that you still ignore my advice and follow your tattered brain. i don't regret reading those messages, even if it was an invasion of privacy. i deserve to know whats been happening outside my knowledge, no? but then its not only just curiousity. maybe its an overpowering need for revenge.

Back to you, my beloved friend, if you really want to know its not just me that's holding you for blame. Why, others are too. And they've told me their share of stories of how you used and pathetically threw them away. after you found new friends, do you really just leave your old ones to rot like that? use them like tissue paper? i don't understand why you chose to do that.
You're treating us as if we've never existed. now i can even imagine you walking by past me without a word nor second glance. but when you see him, your face lights up and you run to that traitor, the player, the bastard. i know this will happen. And us? You couldn't give much thought. A long time ago i sworn not to break my promise but your broke yours and this is the outcome.

Valentine's Day

I still remember the day my heart broke. i wish i could say "fuck this shit" *troll face and forget it, but i cant and that annoys me. So let me get it all done here. I would've never thought of you, never felt you, heard you, if i had not seen those pictures, clicked on that blog and read its contents. It was harmless, intentionally, but its images and words went through me like a blade. The same situation i was in 4 years ago, at the very same blog. Does this girl know what she's putting herself through? The guy she's dealing with? He was my one hope at that time...and destroyed it, with that one so called seemingly harmless picture.
Still recalling shattered events in those years, where i thought high-school sweethearts and strumming guitar love songs(taylor swift) were the only things i wanted to priotirize in life, they seem so far to me now.

Lol, its hard to believe someone like me blogging about something that is pointless to me, right?
SO, today, instead of frantically searching for a last minute date, we went to an orphange. Luke created a facebook event for it and i didnt even know, not until ijust logged on facebook recently. We agreed to donate some things, and i went through my collection of books, selecting all of Enid Blyton's ones

(cuz im so sick of them, i read them a thousand times and over no offense to the author tho) and a couple of ones that didnt really interest me at all..i mean, if its something that i really care enough to think twice about giving it away, its books. usually i wouldnt mind much because my bookcase is so crammed..but i got these book vouchers recently and have been on a shopping spree since..

Yeah so since its Valentine's day and couples get together-day, obviously the ones that went for this trip are #foreveralone. including me. Tisha, Samanta, Jonny, Luke, me. An hour went by whilst i waited at Mc'd before someone finally showed up, Tisha.

Got out of it at last and we were on our way. The orphanage was at Klang and Luke's friend, Lindy or Lingyi. The orphanage was smaller than i thought, even smaller than the one i visited with my collegemates, but then that doesnt really matter.
we played games and i was already starting to warm up to them, they reminded me alot of the bunch we visited with my college mates. i feel kind of sad, because this kind of thing is well, you only visit once and after that, you dont think of coming back anymore.
Well the first time i got kinda attached to the small girl, forgot what her name was but argh- i still remember her because of her story. she told me her parents were divorced (not exactly divorced, her exact words were mommy and daddy dont live together any more) and that her mom sent her to live here.

She said she only saw her mom once every month. She never saw her father at all and she had an elder sister that never made an appearance after she was sent away. She only sees her mom and thats not frequent, her mom comes often just to drop off food and pay some bills before taking off.
I know it sounds normal to you, because you're not there, not experiencing the real gist of it. this girl the way she said it was emotionless, like she didnt really care. To her they werent family, just occasional strangers in her life. I thought it'd be a sensitive issue, but when i prodded further she really didnt care at all. Her family were her friends and caretakers at the orphanage, not the ones who abandoned her.

Sometimes these kids confuse me because whilst there are some that so clearly seek attention and love, there are those that just have completely no interest in interacting or anything. They maintain the 'no way we have done this before can we do something else why is it always the same thing' kind of attitude, so it makes me jumpy whenever i visit orphanages.
i dont know what to expect. Today's orphanage was good, i had loads of fun but i wish we could've stayed there longer. You know, i felt like adopting a daughter or son on the spot then- lol, and i always choose the younger ones. We played games la, next time have to bring more food. food always works. Great strategy to bring those kids out, seriously. KFC does it best. =D
I wanted to teach them to dance D: but they were so incredibly shy, TT Y U NO UNDERSTAND I WONT EAT U??!
The second orphanage was harder. not exactly orphanage, more like home for the disabled. okay, i didnt know what to do there.

They were having their dinner and my stomach was rumbling too. time to take off. I think Jonny was the most popular one there today. He got at least eight kids up to him with his MacBook.

When three of them burst into tears at the same time i got scared. Can we run away now? But then this indian boy came to save the day, yeay! He managed to convince her to the table, and i saw alot of the older ones playing with the smaller ones, so adorable. They really care. Not doing it cause im the elder and its my responsibility. Why? I guess its because they've only got each other in their life, and everyone's precious. ah, what a great story this would make. One is actually popping up in my head now, will be formed soon. We, well, take each other for granted. Idiot. but i cant do anything. I tried.

Visiting the home and orphanage was great..now pray that ill actually come up with a good friendship childhood bond kind of story.

Happy Valentine's!

Burdens, panic, directionless..

Everyone around me has the same kind of desperate look; frantic and anxious, trying to calm their nerves and sorting through their sanity, but perhaps mine stands out the most. Even in the times of my darkest hour like these i bear this burden alone for no one is by my side. No. God has ensured they would be far from me when i was to receive the blow.

The one cut that severed me from the confidence of my future. I was near breakdown then, angry yet guilty, and i seacrhed the crowd for a familiar face but found none. No one which i could relieve myself temporarily and forget what was to behold. There were brief greetings, short conversations exchanged with distant people but apart from that i felt completely lost. Everything was falling apart.
This was the day i swore i would put everything right, but now the situation has heightened to a worse state. The turmoil of emotions so well hidden before were starting to overwhelm me, so i fled to the library. Even then i could not find peace. I want to scream, throw tantrums and furniture and maintain that it was not my fault.

Did i not try? Was what happened on exam day my fault to begin with? And those that pretend to care, you are also the cause of my unending suffering. Pretending not to care is a closure of your emotions, and without those emotions, you come off as heartless. Rebellious. Uncaring. Failure. And that's how and what i've been labelled as.

So now here i am, stuck, with none but one direction. And i do not want to take that option. somehow i fear it will not run accordiing to plan, but today itself was already in a mess. So, what else can go wrong?

MUCH MUCH MORE.